By Kyle Allen, Duncan Gregory, Robin Janotta, Zack Rosenfeld, Eric Zheng, and Danny Kelleher
Sometimes, genetics hold us back from greatness. La Vista is one of the nerdiest, whitest, least-coordinated organizations on campus, and while the MBYB playoffs rage on, we are forced to watch from the bench.
But please, don’t worry. What we lack in skill and athleticism we make up for in intellectual arrogance, so we didn’t hesitate to create a list of the things we’re good at.
Please, don’t freak out. We know that it’s not normal for us to be so antagonistic and patronizing toward all of the lesser organizations on campus, but you’re just going to have to act like it’s a recurring tendency.
First, angering ASB. Is there anything more fun for us than enjoying events Student Government puts on and then talking about how lame they are? It’s what makes us tick.
Mark our words, Claypoole; we have no intention of stopping. Not only will we continue to act like we hate everything ASB does (it makes us feel cool), we’ll also make sure to beef up our roster for next year’s ASB vs. La Vista Winter Games. Don’t be surprised if some fully pubescent “Assistant Business Managers” start showing up around room six.
Second, using real sources in our stories. The cutting down on anonymous sources recently has been a good start (it was also nice to see Salvation’s Army new wig collection), but seriously, all you guys do is tell students about the bad stuff they do. Apparently, energy drinks aren’t healthy, and teenagers like to illegally download music! If you don’t believe them, just listen to any of their wide variety of psychologists!
Third, pushing safety regulations to the limit. We La Vista kids are always disappointed when the white layer of floor reappears from beneath the grime, and the vermin living under our various couches have become our brothers.
Fourth, spreading propaganda. Now that we have enthusiastically decided to endorse Michael Whinfrey for ASB President, La Vista’s political machine will stop at nothing to reach its goal. Expect to see “Whinfrey or Die Hard” posters new around campus.
Lastly, offending almost everyone at Mira Costa. For the record, if we had a baby in our access that we could have addressed this column to, we would have done it. Such a shame.
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