By Ben Gibbons
Sports Editor
and Nick Lee
Copy Editor
Hear ye! Hear ye! We hail thou once more. This issue we shall showeth thoust recent grading crisis, the annual winter ball and an update on the cloud fiends.
Kicking it off with winter sports, boy’s basketball is as weak as ever, though soccer shows some promise. We expect Rugby and wrestling to bring more titles to Costa. Since hardly anyone cares about Costa’s subpar athletics, we’ll jump into the juicy drama.
Many of you are now regretfully aware that the History department has changed the grading scale so that a “C+” now counts as a “A-”. The question arises: Who is behind this and what are their motives? We have our theories, backed up by evidence from La Vista’s top investigators:
1) Costa parents’ wallets are running thin after paying for their child’s four core classes at Halstrom for the past two years and expect Costa to create an equal grading system. 2) The History staff does not know how to work the unyielding grading software known as “Aeries,” and has been forced into dishing out “A’s” to ease their pain with the system. 3) The North Koreans have hacked into Costa’s McDonald’s-level servers with the hope that they will promote Social Studies among students instead of STEM fields, thereby decreasing innovation in future weapon technologies. 4) The History department hopes to focus more lecture time towards “informational” rants about Trump and must lower the grading scale to adjust for the reduction in classwork. 5) ASB’s members’ grades have taken a hit due to excessive stress from orchestrating the Winter Formal dance. This new grade policy seems to conveniently emerge knowing that one must maintain a 3.0 GPA to be in ASB.
Finally, Winter Formal approaches, we school-dance veterans from the Gallery would like to give the freshies advice on how to properly use a witty proposal to win over the guy or gal of their dreams. Results guaranteed by yours truly. 1) Create a clever sign (solid bet if executed well). 2) Go to their house with their favorite food (cheap, satisfies hunger, easy way into a human’s heart). 3) Buy them a cookie from the lunch carts (shows you have money, has aphrodisiac qualities). 4) Write “Formal?” on a napkin (classic technique, always effective, gets the job done). 5) Rip a phat cloud with a mango Juul to spell out “Formal?” in their face (shows your high-class status, eliminates all remaining competition for your date, results in instant “Yes”).
Now, brethren, carry on! Carry on! Thou shall remember to fighteth through thy final stretch. To seniors entrenched in thy infamous “second semester senior year,” thwart the Devil’s temptations and push onward with great haste!
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