By Kyle Allen, Duncan Gregory, Robin Janotta, Zack Rosenfeld, and Eric Zheng
Over the past month, our campus has been consumed by two different but equally valiant competitions: Scholar Quiz and dodgeball. Unfortunately, many Costa students had to choose between these two lunchtime tournaments, as the final rounds of each tournament overlapped, and ask themselves the question: scholar or athlete?
To eliminate this identity crisis, we propose the creation of a new tournament: Scholar Ball.
We have been inspired from master chef Mike Cook and blended the four main aspects of competition: determination, speed, self-control and competitive greatness to create an entirely new flavor. We call it the “Theory of Umami Competition.”
For the ignorant and unenlightened, Umami is what ancient Japanese philosophers called the “fifth flavor.” It is nothing less than the chosen flavor of Tao, eating it when he gets home from sitting on Mt. Fuji.
In Scholar Ball, the bloodthirsty competitors are divided into two teams of four. The match starts as a normal dodgeball game, but every throw requires a correct answer to a Scholar Quiz question. Get a question wrong and the other team gets a chance to smash that smug face of yours with a pressurized ball of rubber. We believe this will put an end to Alec Lautanen’s arrogant early flag raising. We aren’t jealous.
Lightning rounds are a different story. In order to make it truly “lightning-quick,” baseball-sized rocks will be substituted for the dodgeball. Instead of only getting hit in the face, students getting an incorrect answer will incur significant brain damage. Compared to this, losing five points seems like nothing. And don’t get us started on our “Firing Squad Bonus Rounds.”
Simply put, we have created the most perfect game since the time of the gladiator. No longer will students lose sleep, tears or blood trying to decide what lunchtime festival they are to attend. In order to not conflict with the upstanding competitions, the Scholar Ball Competition will take place on Dec. 26, which is commonly known to Nick Zobel as Christmas Day.
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