Balls of fury unleashed upon Costa

By Kyle Allen, Duncan Gregory, Robin Janotta, Zack Rosenfeld, Eric Zheng

If ASB-sponsored sports tournaments were famous sports tournaments, then the Ping Pong Tournament would be Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring. The entire population doesn’t know about it, but the people who are involved are really hardcore. Seriously.

Daniel Debevec works out his quads for those hard spikes. Dominic Costa’s obvious muscles? Ping Pong. He doesn’t even play football.

At the Fifth Sense, we love watching the Ping Pong Tournament. But we’re sad that it has to end with a winner that’s only bested some Manhattan Beach locals. While some beg to differ, these cannot be the best of the whole world.

So we’re doing something about it. After giving up on the idea of team sweatpants, we were able to come up with the funds to send this year’s winner to China for the World Table Tennis Championship. However, this year’s WTTC will be sponsored by none other than us, The Fifth Sense. We’ve got quite the plan.

First, we’ll be changing the location to the island from “Balls of Fury.” Unfortunately, due to budget constraints and international law, losing contestants will live. The second setback occurred when Christopher Walken informed us he wouldn’t be able to host the tournament until 2015 due to his sleep schedule. We’ll have to settle for the next best thing: Michael Cook.

As contestants continue to move up the ranks, modifiers will be added to the rounds.

Also, paddles will be replaced with iPads (watch Ben Dale sob), playing in the library (watch Ms. Lofton sob) or being forced to actually watch “Balls of Fury” (watch society sob).

With such a high-class tournament, we will need high-class competitors to participate. Watch Mr. Debevec, with his aforementioned large quads and pristine backhands (we were promised extra credit), take on the likes of Ben Dale, the entire Los Angeles Lakers (because, lets face it, we can’t let them roam freely, seeing what they do DURING A GAME) and the Mira Costa football team after last issue’s insult.

With all of these rules, only one item remains to be seen: the prize. The winner of this year’s tournament wins an all-expenses paid trip out of his or he classroom when watching next year’s “School Rules Video.” Zing.